Loss

(Orginal post was written April 1, 2011.  Blogger wouldn't work.  Apparently it was saved some how. Today I found this post. I add it only for my own benefit. I need to keep it. I need to remember that I loved so deeply; that I grieved greatly. If anyone else ever reads this, be assured my faith is strong even when I feel weak.)

My heart is heavy and broken.  I can barely breathe.  My head keeps racing wondering if yesterday was just a horrible dream.  On top of it all my arms will be empty this fall.  There will be no sweet baby to hold and kiss.  No light hairs smelling of shampoo tickling my nose.  No wailing of strong lungs to pacify with my love.

My baby is gone.  The baby who gave me hope through the thunderstorm of my current life.  For just a few weeks I had sunshine!  My troubles were mere pebbles in the path when I would think upon that little life growing within me.

So my dear baby, please know how desperately you were wanted.  How your existance changed me.  I cling to my faith in my Heavenly Father.  The comfort comes when I imagine you with Him.  Now I will have to live so that I am worthy of you; to see you again.  I know that families can be together forever, and through the blessings of the temple and the Atonement of our Savior you will be mine.  It will not be as I have imagined.  No.  It will likely be something far better than this mortal brain can conjure, but deep in my heart I know you.  To all the world it will look as if I have never had you, but in my heart you will always be.  I am your mother, you will not be forgotten.  I love you little one.



Februrary 2, 2012 (Added to note) 
Oh!  Reading this has flooded my memory of that day.  My eyes were sore as were my sweet Walter's.  Those days were among some of the hardest of my life.  But from that and many more experiences resulting from my miscarriage I have been taught from on High.  I know my Savior lives!  I know that from difficult things we can be lifted up, healed, and bring new meaning to our lives.  I was able to let go of the house after this.  It was just a thing, but leaving that baby was more difficult than leaving behind a dream or wish for my life. 

Life is ever changing.  Some changes are welcome vistas, others small bumps, but there will also be devastation.  It is how we handle these changes that make who we are.  I know for me, that prayer has brought me through.  I give praise and glory to God for his mavelous works and wonders.  I have every confidence that I will make it through this tumultous life if I but cling to my Savior.  I am so grateful for life's bounteous blessings and even the most difficult trials.  I am being purified and polished.  That I am sure of.